Increase the Availability of Porn

We the undersigned and the members of the "Society for the Increased Availability and Usage of Porn" write today because we want more porn to be freely available to all. It is a true shame that we are all held hostage to the whims of the moral and religious minority. Pornography is good for you, it makes you feel better, and we believe the average human lifespan can be extended by viewing more porn. It is also well known that porn improves blood flow to the brain and other regions, thus improving thinking and mental clarity. It has also been known to clear the sinuses.

The lack of porn makes the average person unhappy and may lead to unpredictable violence. We hypothesize that more porn may bring an end to world hostilites because of increased happiness that will be shared by all. It is well known that sexually frustrated young men seeking sexual relations with 72 virgins commit what are known as "suicide bombings." We believe that with increased access to pornographic material, these young men will not have to wonder what "having" 72 virgins will be like. They can actually watch 72 virgins and many more on their own computer screens. From that point, they can take matters into their own hands and be happy.

We few, we happy few who have unlimited access to porn want to share this gift with the world. It can be demonstrated using charts and graphs that the poorest, most poverty stricken, and most violent regions on the planet are also those with the least porn. Now, you may be thinking, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Does the lack of porn have something to do with the inability to afford computers? We at the "Institution" disagree with this view. We believe the lack of porn directly leads to the above conditions.

Ah, porn. 'Tis a many splendored thing. Available since the first photographic equipment became available, the world has never been the same nor will it ever be again. We at the "Institution" believe that porn and the desire for more porn spawned the technological revolution of the 20th century. Man's first foray into space, satellites, VCRs, high resolution TV, all wonderful things spurred forward by the desire for more porn at higher quality and cheaper prices.

We the Undersigned and the members of the "Society" are quite dismayed by all of the alarmists who continue to propagate the false notion that pornography is bad and harmful. We are dismayed and troubled by all of the recent calls to ban porn. We refuse to stand by any longer while this wonderful and therapeutic medium is tarnished and sullied by the popular media. We fear that if the unholy forces that are currently at work have their way, we will be plunged back into the dark ages.

Give me porn, or give me death. Freedom!!!!!