Never Let Wade Miller Pitch Again

We, the undersigned, feel that the Chicago Cubs settled for a fifth pitcher in spring training that was not up to the high standards that have been set for the team this year when Wade Miller was chosen. Even the fact that he had to seriously compete with the injury riddled Mark Prior shows that he was not the best choice for this team. While he has had a few good seasons in recent years playing for the Houston Astros, he constantly reminds us that past success does not always predict future performance.

We feel that the recent actions of relegating Mr. Miller to the disabled list with back spasms are a step in the right direction. However, Mr. Piniella has reiterated many times that the team needs a 12th pitcher to be successful. We desire that level of success for the team, and therefore ask that a more permanent solution be put into place. Eventually the team will need a fifth starter again, and this starter should be a young talent that can develop into someone along the lines of Rich Hill. Wasting the teams time waiting for Mr. Miller to return to his former self is not in the teams best interest.

Therefore, we ask that the team come up with a solution so that Wade Miller will never pitch as a starter in a Cubs uniform again. It is of no concern to us how this solution is implemented. The most optimal course of action would be to trade Mr. Miller for a young arm that can develop in the Cubs farm system. If a trade cannot be made, however, we recommend that the team prolong the current solution by placing Mr. Miller on the 60 day disabled list. With full knowledge that his aforementioned back spasms are a figment of the organizations imagination, we recommend that his ailment be listed as a more serious sounding medical condition. These may include, but are not limited to, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, hot dog fingers, government created killer nano robot infection, Count Choculitis, anal fissures, inverted penis, or any of the multitudes of different STDs available. We suggest that the STDs be used as a last resort, however, as that can damage a mans ego for life.

In conclusion, we understand that Lou and the Cubs are trying their hardest to win. Sometimes the calls just dont go your way, the weather messes up your rhythm, and you cant string together hits to save your life. We feel that all these effects will be diminished if Wade Miller does not pitch as a starting pitcher in a Cubs uniform again this year, and we kindly ask that the organization does whatever necessary to make this dream become reality.