Get Dan to Change his Name

By signing this petition, you hereby pledge that you agree with the following:

1."Dan Whitcomb" is a gay-ass name. I'm talking mega-gay here. So gay it makes Mr. Zilka look straight.

2. It's also a totally white name. Not like snow-white or anything; like holy-shit-my-eyes-are-melting white.

3. It's just generally a sucky and thoroughly un-sexy name. Chloe, how could you date a guy called "Dan Whitcomb"?! If you took a poll among all the guys in the US and asked them what name kills a boner the fastest, they would all reply "Dan Whitcomb". (Actual statistics here are pending)

4. Dan-Dan should change his name to something far sexier and manlier. If not legally, then at least on facebook.

5. In doing so, it is our hope that Dan himself will become manlier and sexier, and consequently, less gay and white.

6. This will benefit the public by increasing the likelihood that Chloe will fuck him (or at least make physical contact with him).

7. When this happens, we will poke holes in all of Dan's condoms and Chloe will give birth to super-genius babies that will solve all of the world's problems as we know it.

8. Clearly, the only way to help our dying world is to change Dan's name to something that doesn't sound like the kind of name you'd give a tight-ass, home-schooled, church boy who wins spelling bees, doesn't have a cell phone, and tries on his mother's old wedding dress in private.

Myself and a few of my peers have prepared a list of potential manly names:

T-rex Butcher
Skullcrusher McRough
Hellboy Smith
Doberman Axe
Axe Doberman
Knife Starscreamer
Submarine von Killshit
RAAAAAAARGGGHHHH!!!! (yelled at the top of one's lungs)
Biceps Boneripper
Rock Steelfoot
Captain Ace Abdomen
Hotshot Hosmacka
Ripcurl von Daaaayuuum
Sergeant Rottweiler
Hulk Punchalot

Of course, ideas for names are always accepted before we come to a final decision on the specific name. Right now, the main decision to be made is for Dan to change his name and you can help out by signing this petition! Imagine how much more awesome the world will be when you can wake up in the morning and know that the genius babies are on their way. Who needs Obama when you have the power of teen pregnancy?

No Dans were harmed in the writing of this petition, but don't worry; it's only a matter of time...