We, The Undersigned Regarding Everything

We, the undersigned, are taking a stand today against everything that is wrong with the world. We are morally outraged at injustice, inhumanity and inadequate access to health care, long lines at the DMV, education, sunlight, recess, work breaks, paid holidays, unions, lack of unicorn-theory taught in science classes, and at the Arby's Corporation for simply assuming that their customers want Curly Fries unless they specifically state they want Homestyle.

We completely support the pro-lifers, pro-choicers, anti-prolifers, anti-prochoicers, religious zealots, haters of religious zealots, protesters of the war, supporters of the war, freedom of speech, Fark.com, TotalFark.com and Ultrafar ***NO CARRIER***, free samples of ice cream at Baskin Robbins, the right to a fair trial and the right to call the President of the United States a DoodieHead if we feel like it.

We will not tolerate the war, people who are for the war, people who are against the war, liers, thieves, murders, death penalty advocates, death penalty supporters, mobile phones in theaters, mandatory uniforms, blue screens of death, SomethingAwful.com, internet cliches that are less than 10 but more than 3 years old, email forwards by people who don't know they can just forward the content and not the forward of the forward of the forward, invalid election results, liberal media bias, conservative media bias, interference from the UN, indifference from the UN when we need help, Firefox/IE/Opera/Linux/Windows/Mac bashers and touters, and intolerant people. Oh, we hate intolerant people.

We do not believe that Bill Gates, AOL or Walt Disney are going to send us anything if we forward their e-mail a certain number of times and we also don't believe we will have bad luck if we delete the Irish Blessing e-mail (but we put it in the "junk" folder instead of "trash" just to be on the safe side). We don't think Winston Churchill's dad was saved by the guy who invented the vaccine for polio's dad, and we don't think that stupid online petitions actually do anything and that anyone who writes one or signs one should have their IQ retested. We do not believe in the right of anyone to spam anyone else unless it is we that are sending out the mass email because everyone we know always loves to hear from us. We don't believe that 5 minutes after we forward the request for the sick kid to get birthday cards that we will see some animation that will "make it so worth your while", and we don't believe you've ever seen it either. No one in Nigeria has money stuck in a bank and no one is going to give us 3 million dollars for helping them fight the Nigerian spammers.

Proctor and Gamble's logo does not depict Satan being cast down from Heaven, Yahoo/ICQ/AOL/MSN are not going to charge for their IM program or delete us from their records if we don't IM everyone on our list as soon as possible, and NIKE doesn't buy back old, smelly shoes and send you a new pair. Not even one time.

We know what Bit Torrent is and no, we won't tell you what it is or where to find it because you'll go shooting your mouth off and ruin it for everyone, just like you did with Napster. And Morpheus. And Kazaa. And all the others. Wil Wheaton is spelled with ONE L, and Eddie Izzard is funnier than your favorite comedian is so just let it go. We used to post in all different colors and fonts and font sizes too, back in 1996 when it was still semi-cool to do so. And we had animated gifs in our emails and songs embedded on our geocities home pages and backgrounds that scrolled and moved around. It's not cool anymore because we've all gone half-blind and have 19 inch monitors and have to use freaking thick contact lenses just so we can see. Stop doing it, or we're coming over and unplugging your WebTV.

We miss Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side and Bloom County. Candy bars are too expensive and are hard to fax. The cup holder on the computer keeps retracting for no good reason.

Finally, we, the undersigned, feel very strongly that the internetS have much potential. Most of us have read "God's Debris: A Thought Experiment" and so we know what the real meaning of the interentS is. After you read it, you will know to. Until then, STFU and GBTW.

PS: After this petition collects 27,000 signatures, I will copy and paste it into an email that will be forwarded around the world. I will have people send me postcards with one dollar on them and then they will move me to the bottom of the list. Soon, they will receive postcards with a dollar on them and everyone in the world that has e-mail will end up with 27,000 dollars. And it's all completely legal because I checked it out with the post office in 1997 while I was there sending in my letter of complaint to Walt Disney's son because I still hadn't received my free fun-filled vacation for helping him test his new e-mail system by forwarding it to 100 of my closest friends.

PPS: Sign with your internet name and your, um "email address", yeah.

We will be heard! No more Red dye in M&Ms! No more road work during rush hour! No more Windows monopoly! Oh wait. Scratch that last one. I want to keep this petition realistic.