An Open Letter In Support of Not Being Whiney Bastards

To the Esteemed Board of Trustees, the Students, Faculty and Staff of UR, your mom, and everyone else who might give a flying rip about UR and the dire petition condition weve put ourselves in:

http://www.petitiononline.com/URpet001/
http://www.petitiononline.com/Richmond/petition.html

This petition advocates the immediate suspension of all petitioning, bickering, whining, t-shirt making, and ubiquitous verbose loquaciousness. At this rate, our pristine campus will be torn limb for limb by the bellicose animosity harbored between opposing petitioning parties. We, the undersigned, will not tolerate a vindictive civil war. We will not allow the frustrations regarding one man to be directed toward each other. Our ranking as the 34th most prestigious liberal arts college in the nation will have no meaning if the entire student body is a mushy mass of bloody carcasses on the Westhampton battle field.

We heretofore propose to bring the battle out of the field and into the coliseum that is the Robins Center. The lone gladiator on the center of the floor will be the President of the University, Dr. William E. Cooper. The audience will consist of every single student, faculty, and staff member.

It shall be a battle to the death.

Either Cooper slays the opposition to his leadership and remains in office, or the opponents vanquish him, terminating Coopers term as president.

Here is the challenge: If William E. Cooper can identify 20 of the 3,608 students who currently attend the University by name, he can keep his job. If he cant, then adios. It is just and fair for the UR community to expect that our president, our mouthpiece, our advocate, know roughly two students in every 361.

Let the games begin. Let the whining and petitioning end.

Furthermore, let it be known that we, the undersigned, are outraged by the fact that D-hall consistently has five or six white salad dressings most of them some variation of ranch and none of them bleu cheese.

Furthermore, the newly constructed forum should be flooded during winter months to accommodate ice skating.

Lastly, a Robins-esque bronze statue of Dr. Len Goldberg should be erected in said forum, because that guy is the man.