Michigan Climate

Dear Climate of Michigan,

We, the undersigned, hereby vociferously and formally protest the following:

i. That, on the day of December 6, in the year of two-thousand and eight, aforementioned climate did willingly and with premeditation, unleash approximately 46 fomptillion inches of snow upon the unsuspecting community of Ann Arbor, when everybody knows that we aren't supposed to even GET snow here until at least January.

ii. That, for what seems like ever, the temperature has been far below that which is normal for this time of year, ranging from about 25 degrees to a temperature that has only been previously recorded by that one Neptune probe, which seriously makes me wonder why I am even bothering to dump all this carbon dioxide into the atmosphere if it's not going to at least keep my ass warm.

iii. That I was waiting to rake my yard until it "warmed up" and now all the leaves are covered with snow, which means I will have to rake them in the spring and by that point they will be nothing but a mushy, leaf-like paste that I will have to scrape off the lawn with a putty knife.

iv. That one of my dogs actually froze to the patio this afternoon and I had to pour warm water on his feet to detach him.

v. That my heat bill last month was $382,324.56.

vi. That my battery-heated socks short-circuited while I was asleep and set my bed on fire.

vii. That several small gnomes are now ice-fishing in my toilet.

We expect that you will work quickly with the Weather Gods and the Global Warming Fairy to address this situation immediately. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.