We face a curse

My friends Today a great struggle strikes us down. We face an epidemic in America everyday. Our children are falling prey to a substance far more addictive than any heroin or cocaine. I speak to you today of

The MMORPG!

This curse This wolf in sheeps clothing is enveloping the lives of our children. It has taken a stranglehold on the youth of today and it doesnt plan on letting go. Please read on to the startling statistics.

- 45\% of children who use mmorpg will grow up to develop the infamous Mouse Claw in their right hand. This will render them useless to do any real physical labor.
- Playground attendance is down 64\%
- Masturbation to pictures of Elves is up 31\%
- Replacing the letter E with the number 3 is up a startling 96\%

How can we consciously let this go on?

Now I know what you are thinking. We cant censor every child from playing a certain videogame. This is why I am coming to you, today.

There are three individuals that need our help. They wallow in a dark pit within themselves and they cant find the way out. They have been reduced to dried up husks of men because of their own, uncontrollable addiction. I am speaking of Sean, Adam and Jared. I am asking you to sign this petition today so we can send a message to the gaming retail business that we DO NOT WANT THESE BOYS TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT. We can not stand idle as we watch these three destroy themselves. It would UNAMERICAN damnit!

Since the release of the closed beta testing:

SEAN
-Sean leaving his room has declined by 67\%
-Pantslessness has increased by 23\%
-Witnessing sunrises has gone up 83\%
-People capitalizing off of his hard work has gone up 91\%
-Masturbation to Rogues has only increased 3\%

ADAM
-Understanding what Jared and Sean are talking about increased 99\%
-Interest in Halo has declined 44\%
-Receiving dome pieces has dropped 5\%
-Being a ganking asshole has increased 79\%
-Witnessing sunrises has gone up 91\%
-Having his character masturbated to is up 3\%

JARED
-Lets face it. Jared lost his sanity to Starwars Galaxies. Ummm 2\%
-Being a ganking asshole has increased 99\%
-Although Jared has maintained a girlfriend, he now only refers to her as Stormwind
-Nerdiness is up 24\%
-Facial shaving is down 13\%
-Witnessing people masturbate to Rogues is up 3\%

It is our duty to protect these young men from themselves. We must intervene! Sign this petition and hopefully we can stop the sale of World of Warcraft and save their lives. Thank you and God Bless America!