Duke Nukem Forever and Ever

Back in 2000, I sat alone in my bedroom in front of a dusty beige-box PC. Flickering on my screen was the original edition of Max Payne: a dark and crashy cop drama produced in the film noir style. With one hand sliding the mouse and the other wearing the letters from the W, A, S, and D keys, I guided Max down a poorly lit stone hallway. Around the corner, a digital character named Sergeant Broussard was receiving ridicule from his fellow officers. How long was it going to take him to "crack the case", they wondered! I burst out laughing, and to this day that remains one of my most memorable and enjoyable gaming moments.

Ladies and gentlemen: I submit to you that despite all of the delays and the appearance of great anticipation, we in fact do not want Duke Nukem Forever to be released.

We love the promises, the screenshots, the concept art, the sound bytes from voice actor Jon St. John. We visit archives of old, outdated press material so we can compare it to newer, outdated press material. We tell jokes and invent new one-liners at LAN parties.

In short, we have built up a culture around Duke Nukem Forever that is so large, no game could ever live up to our expectations. Any release of Duke Nukem Forever would be a disappointment. The real value of the game is in the endless development process.

That is why I am putting forward the following proposition: With your donations, I will purchase the Duke Nukem Forever contract from Take-Two Interactive and keep the dream alive. The developers, 3D Realms Entertainment, will continue to produce excellent contributions to the PC and platform gaming arena. But Duke Nukem Forever will never be released.

Development will not stop! We will demand that the soundtrack be re-recorded by Prince, Trent Reznor, and then Maroon 5. We will rewrite the game engine in Python, Java, and then Malbolge. We will spend obscene amounts of money stealing the best character modelers from Pixar and Dreamworks. We will sit around eating popcorn and post on our blog letting you know that we are working ourselves to death. We will have a booth at PAX and award complimentary pre-order coupons to the writers of the best three Duke Nuken Forever jokes. These things I pledge.

Please, do NOT donate any money to me right now. The point of this petition is to find out how many people would be willing to donate (and in what quantity) in order to make this dream come true. So please, if you are willing to put your hard earned dollars toward this noble enterprise, please sign the petition and make a note of how much you are willing to give.

I repeat: DO NOT DONATE ANY MONEY TO ME RIGHT NOW. If you disregard this warning and donate money, it will not be used to buy the Duke Nukem contract and it will not be returned. It will be used for something boring and pointless. The point of this petition is to find out whether or not this buy-out would be feasible.