Internet Spam Petition

To: The United States Congress

Internet spam has a history almost as long as the internet itself. In earlier times, spam was brushed aside as a minor problem. Computer users could easily avoid spam by closing the pop-up or ignoring its presence on the monitor. This can no longer be achieved. Companies and individuals who create spam design these programs to function in ways which are almost identical to computer viruses. These programs silently install themselves into an individuals computer, editing critical system files and folders which the average computer user does not even know exist. They root themselves so deep into a system that they are virtually impossible to remove.
As of this moment, I am writing this petition on my home computer. My computer is not currently connected to the internet, but because of the adware which is installed on my system, I am currently the one-millionth visitor to this webpage, which is perplexing to me because I have no webpage open. I also receive claims that I have won fabulous prizes. If these statements were correct and not just slander, I would own over three-dozen Apple iPods and several Microsoft Xboxes. I would have visited Florida, Europe, and Australia more than four times each, and there would be a seventy-two inch, high-definition plasma television in every room of my house.
Spyware is a form of vandalization and the companies and individuals who distribute spyware are vandals. Similar, but less thorough petitions ask that these perpetrators be subjected to immediate execution. The fact that people have actually signed these petitions does nothing but demonstrate the frustration that spyware causes. Since I have compared the act of distributing these programs to the act of vandalizing property, I ask that the punishment be similar.
There is no one term that describes the whole of internet spam, so in the following section I will attempt to define the major categories. Please keep in mind that this list will not encompass the majority of internet spam. Also, these definitions are my own for purposes of discussion. If the time comes to pass a law, new definitions can be formulated.

Adware - A program that creates advertisements after being installed on a machine.
Browser Hijacker - A program that leads the user to a predefined webpage, which is commonly stored on the users machine. These programs also store their own links in the browsers favorites list.
Pop-Up - Any graphical/textual object which appears on screen with the purpose to advertise, canvas, or solicit.
Spyware - A program which tracks which web pages a user visits and other data. Occasionally collects email addresses, which are then sent to the parent company, and then sold to other companies who place the addresses on mailing lists.
Spam - A general term used to describe everything in this list, but more specifically refers to junk email which clogs up inboxes and blocks the delivery of legitimate messages.

Internet spam is an ever-expanding problem and will continue to grow if the proper steps are not taken. It is no longer just annoying, and has developed into a major problem, rendering home, business, and government computers utterly useless. This results in an economic cost due to lost productivity hours. We ask that the creators and distributors of internet spam be punished with the same consequences that are given to people who vandalize property, and that the government takes the proper steps in order to enforce this law.