Petition to Remove Tony Kornheiser from the MNF booth

There comes a time when a man must stand up to ABC Disney and maybe come away with his life and/or genitals intact......There comes a time when our auditory systems refuse to process any more of the pig bile that protrudes from the mouth of one Anthony Irwin Kornheiser.....There comes a time when we as football fans would prefer the dulcet sounds of a wide awake cat being neutered to the clearly rehearsed line of "So you're saying...he went to Jarrett" when a receiver named Jarrett catches the ball.

This is not much to ask. Many an ex-player could give us the platitudes that we so crave with our football broadcasts. You don't have to add anything to the game, we just want the game itself. We don't need Korny to hobnob with Russell Crowe. We don't need giggles and gaffs with the newest addition to the Desperate Housewives set. We don't need...well, we don't need you, Tony.

But is it all Tony's fault? Yes. Let's move on.

To me the new crew is like a classroom. You have a teacher who knows what he's doing (Mike Tirico), a student teacher who follows the lead with the proper sprinkling of cliches, rarely deviating from the lesson plan (Ron Jaworski), and finally you have a student who has been held back after failing remedial homeroom because he has a misunderstood syndrome known as "Goofball Tourette's". Sure, it's an awful analogy. But Tony is an awful announcer. That's the connection.

Look, I'm no Jack Kerouac. I lack the necessary prose to convey the degeneration my brain undergoes when I hear "Tom Brady" nine times in 30 seconds. I can't tell you what kind of judo rape my stomach inflicts unto itself when the virtues of Brett Favre are lauded in a game the Jets are not even playing. I'm at a loss for words when I cheese grate my eardrums after listening to a soliloquy for Tony Romo.

So I will leave it up to the internet and anonymous strangers to do what is absolutely necessary. We hereby deem Tony Kornheiser a bad announcer, the ultimate crime committed by a simple majority of his colleagues and peers. But he is the first one we go after. Okay.