Save Fiona Apple!

We, the undersigned, have a strong concern for the well-being of Miss Fiona Apple. Her apparent malnutrition cannot be healthy or safe. As such, we would like to propose a solution to her record company.

According to rumor, her new album has been ready for release since May of 2003. We suggest that all existing copies of this album be cast into a large furnace. This will have several benefits:

1) The heat from said furnace will help to keep Miss Apple warm. The need for such external heating is apparent, due to her severe lack of natural insulation.

2) The furnace may also be used to produce electricity, which may then be sold to buy a burger or two for Miss Apple, hopefully rectifying the aforementioned lack of natural insulation.

3) The burning will also have the happy side-effect of eliminating any chance that we would have to listen to another of her whiney, "pity-party" albums.


In fact, so strong is our concern for Miss Apple's well-being, that we would also like to see collection stations across the country, taking copies of her existing albums to be burned in the furnace, as well.