The Bring Back Jared Peters

The aim of this petition is to bring back one Jared Robert Peters to New Brunswick from South Korea, where he is currently living as a teacher/lusty white man.

Also known as the "tall fruity guy in the army fatigues", Jared is a crown jewel of the Saint John boozing community.Southern New Brunswick misses his drunken behaviour, which includes the following: bad British accents, raising one index finger whenever ordering anything at a restaurant, and falling asleep on Nursing Students....while dancing.

Jared is beloved and sorely missed by his friends, who for the most part are hot, single, and extremely wealthy. They also possess gigantic phallus, and often when they are swimming at the beach oceanographers mistake them for Baleen Whales.

Jared was a great man...now hes reduced to living in a hovel in South Korea, a country that nearly rhymes with diarrhea, and thats no accident. In between achieving phony dime store black belts and having relations with dozens upon dozens of Oriental women who are about as disease free as a pigeon who frequents the dumpster at the hospital, Jared is teaching English.
This is a detriment to the Korean people, as they certainly do not need to acquire words such as "nitrate headaches" or "poon" in their vocabulary.

However we must have hope, before we lose Jared to the Dark Continent forever! Sign this petition and bring back the greatest human being of the 21st century. Also, if you sign, you will receive tickets to the next taping of "Deal or No Deal" starring Howie Mandel.*



* Not a real offer, but even if it was, would you go? If you answer yes, i dont like you. Homo.