Lacey Schwimmer, Remove Those Bangs

We, the undersigned, feel that the bangs of Lacey Schwimmer, a contestant on the FOX reality series "So You Think You Can Dance," constitute a crime against fashion, style, and the person of Schwimmer.

Schwimmer is a beautiful young lady whose entire thang is compromised by the half-hearted, diluted-emo, and frankly ugly hairstyle that she sports in her leisure time and which obscure -- and indeed, scar -- her innate beauty. We believe that people in the public eye who have the means should always be presentable and, in the parlance of the industry, should always be "fierce." Her bangs are a handicap for her from being "fierce."

If you are a fan of "So You Think You Can Dance," of justice in the abstract, or of Schwimmer in the particular, please could you take the time to sign this petition, and increase our chances of getting Schwimmer to abandon such a style faux pas that would elicit a devastating "nicht nicht" from fashion maven Bruno. Every other contestant has reasonable hair except her even though she is hotter than most of them, and in the interest of parity and fairness, her bangs are not a criterion by which to judge her but they nevertheless can only prejudice potential voters against her in favor of obviously inferior and uglier dancers.

If this matter is not resolved by the next episode of this show (which airs on Wednesday, July 18th -- yes, it's not a lot of time, but this is no trivial matter and deserves the utmost urgency), the undersigned viewers will no longer know what is right and wrong, and we will not take responsibility for what might happen in this moral vacuum of radical relativism. Take heart; civilization is at stake.