Improve Kong

January 12, 2004

       At roughly the age of three, a small boy (he was three, after all) sat in front of an old television, utterly transfixed by images of a giant ape fighting similarly large reptiles. Now a grown man, Ive never forgotten watching King Kong for that first time. This early viewing experience wound up being hugely influential on the type of film I would seek out as I grew, and I always maintained an affinity for giant monster on the loose movies. As soon as something large begins mooshing things up real good, my critical factor goes out the window, a fact that is of great dismay to my partner.
       King Kong developed me into a fan of monster and horror movies at an early age, and those around me knew it. When I was about 14, a friend of the family told me he had a movie he thought I should watch. That film was Bad Taste. Once again I was transfixed, and Bad Taste has remained my favorite movie to this day. I watched Bad Taste nightly every time wed visit our family friend. After Id watched the film roughly a dozen times at his house, he gave me the, then much out-of-print and highly coveted, video. Ive never tired of it, and have seen it MANY more times than any other movie. I tracked down your other available films, and have followed your career closely since. You are, bar none, my favorite director. Ive often stated to my partner that we shall someday live in New Zealand and Ill bombard Wingnut with my rйsumй for ANY kind of employment. She thinks Im joking.
       It only stands to reason that I am excited that my favorite director is finally tackling the very film that had the definitive part in forming my cultural tastes, my predilections, my desire to see big feet goosh little people up real good. However, there is a great sadness in my bosom, because these two very personally important elements of cinema are combining, and I shall not be a part of it. As such, I have created this petition. A petition designed so that others may voice their dismay at the fact that I am NOT, as yet, slated to appear in your production of King Kong. Probably just an oversight, Im sure, but Ive got some ideas to incorporate myself in the film that might remedy the situation.
       The first idea would involve me at the climax of the film. When Kong falls off the Empire State Building, the scene cuts to me walking down the street. I look up, confused, and say, What is that? or other magnificent dialog as penned by your stirring co-workers Ms. Walsh and Ms. Boyens, while pointing to the ever-darkening sky. Since the film will be set in America, my accent will be an asset for once in my life. This shot should cut to a wide angle of Kong landing on me, squishing me up real good. Some of my innards then fly into another pedestrians groceries.
       Solid as this idea is, I feel dismay knowing that, while the scene would surely enhance everyones viewing experience, it could also easily be trimmed if some seconds needed to be cut, and no one would see my moment of glory (or my internal organs). As such, I devised this second plan, not so much a new scene as background action within a current scene. On the street when the viewer first meets Carl Denham, Ill be in the background crushing a birdcage. When Ive smooshed it up real good, Ill bend over and pick up some pieces of the cage, and rise gripping them with my arms outstretched. From there, Ill lower my arms very jerkily, and completely weak-wristed and straight-armed, Ill drop the cage pieces to the ground in a brilliant mockery of the no doubt inferior-to-yours FX of the 70s remake.
       Should this idea also be, unbelievably, scrapped, I have one last solution to our current dilemma. Ive been growing my hair for a while to enable me to, in fact, play Ann Darrow. Utilizing my real hair would be of great importance should Andy Serkis be involved in the film, because it would prevent any angry stomping off of the set caused by forcible wig removal. Admittedly, there is a major drawback in that Id be a male in drag, but on the plus side, Im horrendously ugly so it will make far more sense for a giant ape to be attracted to me in the first place. The only other hiccup with this scenario is that as I am no actor, Ill have to mime my lines for later ADR by some great vocal talent likesay, Brittany Spears. But, this will clearly show your high regard for the original film, as youve cast someone whos not even attempting to steal Fay Wrays scream-queen crown visually or vocally.
       Clearly your King Kong remake will be a lesser product if Im not involved. It will be a great honor to work with you, especially on this particular project, and I look forward to hearing from you. It is the belief of all the undersigned and myself that this film simply CANNOT be made without me.
       If all else fails, Ill gladly be the set janitor.
       For further information (and visuals), please visit Improve Kong - the headquarters of Fans United Cause Kong Without Any Devonll Suck.


Sincerely,

Devon Bertsch

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