No More Jonas Brothers

Rock is not a bunch of kids with mediocre musicianship singing about relationships and breakups (which they've probably never had). Rock is loud, free-willed, fun-time music made by guys with real talent and real soul. Rock bands don't rely on a corporate mass-marketing scheme such as Disney to get famous. The Jonas Brothers are just a gimmick band, like every other crappy pop artist/band on Disney which will be forgotten in about 2 years before Disney moves on to another gimmick artist/band with only a pissdrop worth of talent at best. But what exactly makes them a gimmick band? Well, as the fans know, they are a band of 3 18 to 20 kids who sing about love. So far, before them, every artist on Disney has been some blonde prep girl (except Raven, who shouldn't even be called Raven) who sang about the same things, but since they were girls, and the Disney fangirls couldn't exactly fantasize about marrying them (unless you're a lesbian or bi). Now... here's the big problem with that. The Jonas Brothers are a big lie! All the fangirls believe that The Jonas Brothers are sensitive, sweet, and caring guys looking for "the right girl". And here we are, shaking our heads about how easy the fangirls are to fool. The Jonas Brothers are being mass-marketed by Disney, a super-mainstream corporation who has shown throughout the last 10 years that they don't care about anyone they hire, or any of the shows they produce. Notice that any new actor/actress that popped up suddenly has never been around for more than 2 years? The Jonas Brothers will star in at least 2 shows, release a crappy pop single, and then disappear unexpectedly, never to be mentioned again. Disney picked The Jonas Brothers because they know that they're the perfect marketing tool to further expand their "Castle Made of Million Dollar Bills". This means that they're doing it just for the money. They don't care about any of you. They don't care about love. They just sing about it because they know that's what little 12 to 18 year old girls like, and they know they'll literally buy into it. The demons at Disney are laughing at all of the Disney fangirls right now. They have pink, fluffy bedrooms adorned with Jonas Brothers posters on every wall, Camp Rock bed sheets, and maybe also a Hannah Montana mirror. The Disney demons laugh at how easy the Disney fangirls are to brainwash and take money from. The Disney demons could probably be capable of world domination if the world only consisted of teenage girls. The Jonas Brothers fangirls are so ridiculously obsessed with this dumb band that they'd do anything the Jonas Brothers told them to do. If The Jonas Brothers suddenly decided that bashing your head on a brick wall was cool, at least 500,000 Jonas Brothers fangirls would start doing that daily, and grow up with a nice, big permanent scar on your forehead - a painful reminder of how foolish they were to have ever liked The Jonas Brothers. But suppose The Jonas Brothers said that anything was cool. Most of The Jonas Brothers fangirls will start doing it. And for what? Nobody's going to be seeing you doing it. At least not The Jonas Brothers. They don't even know the fangirls exist. Nor do they care. They're just sitting at home, counting their money while the fangirls go on with their dumb little fad. The problem is, they're just too obsessed with them in order to get their heads straight and realize how much of a moron they're being. And yes, I'm talking about every single one of the fangirls. Do you want to know why? Because they're all exactly the same! On YouTube for example, almost every single fangirl has a user name like JBlover5824, ILoveJoeJonas, xXMandyJonasXx, or NickandI. What happened here? Did The Jonas Brothers fangirls throw away all their sense of self when they flipped the channel to Disney for the first time? Do they have a mind of their own? The Jonas Brothers fangirls think that by liking The Jonas Brothers, they can consider themselves rockers. I already went over this, but The Jonas Brothers are not Rock at all. They're bubblegum pop. Just because they have an electric guitar (which they don't know how to play) doesn't automatically make them Rock. So... in what other ways can we tell that they're not Rock? Let's use The Rock Chart!

1. Are they anti-mainstream? Nope. 0/1 point
2. Do they write or play their own music? Nope. They need a backup band. 0/3 points.
3. Do they love the rock and roll lifestyle? Nope. For one, true rockstars don't need "purity rings". 0/2 points.
4. Do they have considerable skill at their instruments? Nope. 0/1 point.
5. Are they playing from the heart and not the wallet? Nope. 0/1 point.

Results:
8: The true epitome of Rock. You must have invented Rock!
6 or 7: Definitely a great band. Legendary. Loved by many and will stand the test of time.
5: You've cleary got what a Rock band needs. You're talented, artistic, and charismatic.
4: Not bad. You're respected by some fans, but you could use a little work. Maybe some originality?
2 or 3: It'll take a little more than just strumming on your guitar. Rock isn't all about a fancy rig, after all.
1: You must not be trying too hard. Is this your first year playing an instrument?
0: Terrible. Simply terrible. Why are you even around?

The Jonas Brothers got a big fat 0! They're on the very bottom of The Rock Chart. This proves once and for all The Jonas Brothers are not Rock! From what I've heard though, the reason many of the Disney fangirls want to be rockers is because you apparently hate rap. Two things.

1. Mainstream "rap" is not rap. It's hip-hop. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with real rap. Soulja Boy and Lil' Wayne are perfect examples of hip-hop.
2. There's more to music than rock and rap. There's also pop, which the Disney fangirls are confusing with Rock. And Pop's what the Jonas Brothers fangirls are listening to, so they don't listen to either Rock or Rap. Oh, and by the way. The Beatles can never be compared with The Jonas Brothers. Never. The riff for "S.O.S." was ripped off from an older, better song by The Knack, called "My Sharona". "My Sharona" also has a better solo than The Jonas Brothers could ever write in their whole miserable lives. Aside from that, I don't really care too much about instrumental skill. I mean, you don't have to be a shredder to be a good guitarist. However, The Jonas Brothers are not even trying. They don't even play their own solos. Some other anonymous guy does it for them, because if The Jonas Brothers were to try, they'd be scratching their heads thinking "Hey, what's a major scale?". So now that their reputation as a rock band has been utterly demolished, and that their lack of skill as musicians has been exposed, we only have to go over one thing which is possibly the only reason The Jonas Brothers fangirls like The Jonas Brothers in the first place... their looks. It's always the same thing with fangirls. They claim to like artists, but they only actually care because of their looks. And now we've got The Jonas Brothers. They're a bunch of "pretty boys" in skinny jeans and the occasional tuxedo, in an attempt to look "charming" or "handsome". I think they're some of the ugliest wannabe rockstars in the universe. First of all, what kind of hairstlyes do they have? They're some kind of afro gone horribly wrong. And one of the other guys sometimes has this pathetic excuse for an emo combover (which, even done right, is still a stupid hairstyle). Second of all, there's nothing "hot" about them. Look at them. They look like a bunch of 13 year old girls. If The Jonas Brothers made songs about anything other than love, The Jonas Brothers fangirls probably wouldn't even notice how they look. And if they did, they'd probably think the same as I do. How the hell are they attractive? I'm no fashion expert, but I doubt that nobody would ever want to sport such stupid hairstyles as theirs. Nick Jonas has diabetes. There's millions of people living with diabetes, and they don't make such a big deal about it. Besides, all diabetes does is restrict you from eating too much sugar. It's not that serious. Nick should stop whining about it. I mean, with all the money Nick gets from the dumb fangirls, he has access to the best medical treatment in the world, should he be even stupid enough to ingest too much sugar for whatever reason. Nick has absolutely no problem living with his own diabetes. The Jonas Brothers fangirls should stop getting all teary and sensitive over something so pathetic. Also, the symbol he uses to represent it actually represents cancer, so that's another epic failure for him. Nick should shut up about his condition. He's really trying to get attention. He has way more attention than he deserves already. Now I'm going to deal with the most common responses that the angry Jonas Brothers fangirls love to give to us Jonas Brothers haters, starting with the most common one.
"You're just jealous"!
Really? What's there to be jealous of? Their instrumental ability? They have none. Their fans? I'd rather not have a bunch of brainless teenyboppers obsessing over me. Yuck. Their money? I don't care about money. Their looks? I like how I look way more than how they look. They have nothing I'm jealous of.
1. I'd rather achieve money and fame for displaying my own true talent rather than joining some multi-million dollar corporation. Then I can say I actually deserve the success.
2. I'm jealous of real bands. Real rock, metal, etc. This is because the bands have great talent and I envy them for that. The Jonas Brothers don't have any of the qualities of a good band. I don't envy anything about them. So I'm not jealous of your band. What else do The Jonas Brothers fangirls love to say in response to our hating?
"Why did you waste your time to make this?"
Well... Why do The Jonas Brothers fangirls waste their time drooling over pictures of The Jonas Brothers? Why do they waste their time fantasizing over which Jonas Brother they're going to marry? And why do they waste their time looking up videos of these talentless losers when they could be doing something much more productive? The Jonas Brothers fangirls waste time themselves, too, especially with such stupid things like "Jonas Brothers Love Stories" where they once again fantasize that they're going to marry one of The Jonas Brothers. These "Jonas Brothers Love Stories" don't even belong on YouTube. They belong on fanfiction.net and other related sites. The fangirls should take down all their stupid fan fiction videos and just write the words on those sites instead. We don't need our video search results plagued with such retarded things. Here's another common response The Jonas Brothers fangirls give.
"Well, why don't you just keep your opinions to yourself?
I hear how The Jonas Brothers fangirls love to say rap sucks or metal sucks. They could keep that to themselves, no? Secondly, there's a reason I'm unable to keep my thoughts to myself. The Jonas Brothers are appearing everywhere, and it's impossible to get away from them. Not only are the fangirls talking about them as if they were the saviors of the universe, but they're showing up everywhere on TV and the internet. What choice do I have? Every time I see those fruity boys mentioned somewhere, it just makes me angrier. I'm not just gonna keep it to myself. Now, here's the last response.
"Well, they're good because they're making lots of money."
Oh sure, great point. The Jonas Brothers have no talent. Just because they're making money dosen't mean that they're good. It just means that Disney has advertised them way too much. Also, it doesn't take any talent to write love songs. There's probably more than a million love songs in the world. Love songs are songs I find extremely annoying and pathetic. However, many other artists way before The Jonas Brothers have been able to make love songs that are absolute masterpieces. The Jonas Brothers use an exremely cliche song format to accomodate for their lack of songwriting ability, and pretend they're rock stars when they're the complete opposite. Quite frankly, love songs are for guys who can't get attention (or fame) any other way due to their lack of musical ability, so they try to make song that appeal to the masses. So, I believe that covers just about everything.