Fairness for Gnossos

We sign this petition to demand fair and balanced news reporting of the Presidential election. Yes, we have heard scads of information about Obama, and somewhat less of McCain. But we've heard nothing about the strong army of supporters and the immaculate moral leadership of some of the third party candidates - noteably, Gnossos.

The Gnossos for President movement is vast and wide, spanning from shore to shore of this fine country. Birkenstock-clad hippies and hillbilly moonshiners alike swoon at the merest mention of his name. His vocabulary hovers delicately on their quivering lips and his success can be smelled in their tobacco- and whiskey-belabored breaths. This man is, in short, The Man (not THAT The Man - the GOOD one, OK? Let's not get mixed up on that).

From incoherent anonymous rants to the sharing of pictographic evidence of his fecal activities, Gnossos is the presidential candidate everyone can love - like a child, like a friend, like a secret lover.

This lack of attention can go on no longer.

When Gnossos is voted to become the next President of this fine United States of America, America will become America again. Oil prices will be halved. The war will be over - and not just THE war, but ALL wars. Treaties will be forged to afford free slices of pizza to every American citizen on Fridays in any country aligned with the United States and pornographic materials will be delivered in copious amounts via a series of tubes that shall NEVER become filled. Erectile dysfunction will become a thing of the past, cancer will become candy, Kentucky bourbon will flow from city fountains, NAFTA will be repealed, and domestic spying in its entirety will cease - because all of America's enemies will be too busy staring in reverence at the glorious visage of Gnossos on their televisions, televisions which will be sent instead of rice to needy countries. Who the fuck eats rice, anyways? Rice. Come on. Also: McDonalds will no longer make you fat and taste twice as good for half the price.

So sign - sign for country, for king, and for liberty. Sign for fairness and foresight. We cannot allow the media to keep us in the dark any longer about the sheer brilliance and testicular fortitude of this singular candidate. Actually we should probably just stop talking about the other guys. Word on the street is Gnossos is in good with the Diebold folks. Get used to it.

Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Which you won't have to pursue any more - because you'll already have Gnossos.