Make possessing Spacko Sticks punishible by death

This is a petition imploring the UK Government to make posssesion of inflatable 'cheer' sticks (commonly known as 'Spacko Sticks') at a football match punishable with the death penalty. Previously, fans were perfectly capable of clapping their hands and singing their hearts out for the lads. But now, with the arrival of these 'spacko sticks', typically two inflatable rubber tubes that you slap together to create (ironically) less noise than if you clapped properly, crowds now look like a mass of inflatable rubber seal clapping their malcoordinated limbs like, as one Government report concluded, "complete and utter retards".

We, the undersigned, declare that the only punishment that fits this crime is gun-ishment. We demand that snipers be placed on the floodlight pylons of each football league ground, ready to pick off all offenders and to deter others from committing this heinous crime to humanity.