Save Late-Night Australian Television

Late-night TV was once a bastion of Western society's devotion to entertainment, at any hour of the day. Like that 24-hour McDonalds on Doncaster Road or Haci's Kebab van on Bell St, gratification could be achieved even in the wee hours of the morning - and unlike society, Darren behind the counter at McDonalds never asked why you were ordering 3 McChickens at 5 AM, or why you werent wearing pants.

Whether it was watching the antics of Vice Principal Goober on Boston Public, Letterman's ruminations on the news of months ago (apparently it takes 2 months to ship over an episode of the Late Show) or seeing what Peter Church served up in the latest opus of Stingers, late night TV used to provide for, in the words of the great philosopher Homer, 'angry loners, alcoholics and the unemployable'.

But now? We angry loners, alcoholic and unemployables are left to contend with cynical money-making ventures fronted by non-talent shills spawned from reality TV shows. Not content with their 'careers' fronting Ralph Magazine or doing the RSL club circuit, these hacks now headline TV quiz shows, asking deep, insightful questions such as 'Which Kidman was once married to Tom Cruise?'

Picture how this drivel plays out.
Hotdogs, in all his greasy, mulletted glory repeats 'The Dogs wants to give away this cash!', classily gesturing someone at home calling in.
And call in they do! Peter from Narre Warren, no doubt one of life's winners, suggests that famous Kidman might be 'Janet'.
'Oooh, that's close Peter, but it's not it' The Dogs replies, his face contorted into what's meant to be a frown.

This began on Channel 10, long known as home of entertainment in Australia. And with gems like The Wedge, Big Brother (apparently a front for the Network's recruiting pool) and Meerkat Manor (imagine the glee of Ten executives when they could save money by replacing actors with animals!), it's hard to argue Ten doesnt deserve the crown.
Channel 9, which has somehow been broadcasting for 50 years, decided Channel 10 shouldnt hog the quality franchise that is Hotdogs' late night game show and created a version of their own, Quizmania, and recruited the type of hosts usually seen strolling around St Kilda after dark.
Channel 7, deciding they needed a break from their 24 hour programing of Mel and Kochie, and created their own abomination named Midnight Zoo, which sounds more like a name for animal porn than for a quiz show, but I digress.
So now this drivel makes up the majority of late-night TV. And with the ABC playing movies which pre-date the wheel and SBS being SBS, we consumers are left with nothing. The worst part? Because the networks dont care about ratings at that hour, and because there will be a constant stream of idiots willing to burn their money at the altar of easy money, there is no incentive to get rid of this tripe.

So I call for grassroots political activism. Surely the millionaires who run TV cannot ignore a free online petition created at 12:54AM!

I leave you with the words of David Brent:
"There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all."