Starbucks AdultFriendFinder.com Brading: A Manifesto

A name decides a child's chance of success in life. A horrible name could leave the kid as a talentless waste of human life. Seriously, how many talented people named Marcus do you know? A fantastic name could make the offspring renowned throughout the globe, give him the confidence to make trillions of dollars, and totally get him laid.

This is why I have taken such an interest in the name of the child of one Thomas Brading and Brittany Lamaster. But no random name will do. There are already too many John's in the world. The people need something new and fresh. Which is why I request that the name of the child be: Starbucks AdultFriendFinder.com Brading.

Let's break it down:

Starbucks - The most successful coffee store chain in the history of mankind. Success is already built into the name. It also allows the child the proper leeway to change his personality at will. Starbucks is in a bad mood? That's expected, because Starbucks serves bitter, black coffee. Starbucks is being sweet? That's just the frappacino coming out. Starbucks is ripping you off? Starbucks is never worth the price you pay for it.

Adultfriendfinder.com - Ads for this website pop up everywhere on the internet, even if the website you are at has nothing to do with finding adult friends. This inspires the child to never give up and appear everywhere he is needed. It also makes him sound friendly.

Brading - Tom's last night. Kinda a no-brainer.

Starbucks AdultFriendFinder.com Brading. Hope for a better tomorrow.