Pizza Party U.S.A.

Let's begin by stating the obvious: Leap Day should be a holiday. I mean, come on: that pretty much goes without saying. It's not even a real day. It's like some kind of extra-dimensional day from the Phantom Zone that only phases into Earth Prime every four years. It's a 100-percent free 24 hours, and employers should have no claim to it. Getting stuck working on February 29th is like finding five bucks on a playground and having it immediately expropriated by a passing bully.

Okay, sure, 2/29 is a Sunday this year -- you've got me there. But that won't always be the case: Sooner or later it's going to fall on a weekday, I think. Maybe not. I don't really feel like doing the math. But in any case -- and in keeping with America's new doctrine of preemption -- the time to act is now. It's like Bush said in the 2003 State of the Union address: "We cannot wait on events while dangers gather. We will not stand by, as peril draws closer and closer. The United States of America will not permit the world's [coolest day] to threaten us with [the possibility of getting stuck working]."

That's why we need to turn Leap Day into a holiday this year. But Leap Day shouldn't be just another run-of-the-mill three-day weekend. After all, we already have a ridiculous amount of winter holidays: Thanksgiving, the freebie day after Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, some holiday in February, Arbor Day or something -- Christ, I can't even keep track of 'em all. So, look: We've got our fill of those.

And besides, Leap Day only comes once every four years. Surely that calls for something special, something that will give Americans 1,460 days of giddy anticipation between occurrences. We need something extraordinary, a quadrennial celebration like none the world has ever seen.

Ladies and gentlemen, what America needs is Pizza Party U.S.A.

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