A Shameful Trouncing

At approximately 12:20 AM on Tuesday, May 2nd, Master Stephen Smith of Branford College physically assaulted a Jonathan Edwards College freshman with a plastic baseball bat. He then repeatedly struck the student with his hands, dragging the student around the Branford Great Courtyard. The student did not retaliate or instigate any sort of physical contact with Master Smith.

We, as members of the Yale community, find this disgraceful. The freshman in question did not offer the resistance we might expect from a Yale student, following the long line of veterans and upstanding rough-housers immortalized in Woolsey Hall. Nor did he act in a manner befitting a member of JE engaged in combat with an archrival resident of Branford. He did not even approach the minimal level of resistance a trapped JE freshman might put up on Wet Monday.

We believe that utter this lack of boola boola reflects poorly on the jovial tradition of intramural rivalry at Yale.

We demand that Matthew Brimer offer an open admisson that he was totally pwned by Steven Smith.

We also demand that he make a full public apology for his poor showing to the members of his college and the freshman class at large, in reparation for the grievous affront he has done our honor.