Petition to Allow the South to Seceed from the Union

We, the undersigned representatives of the people of the United States of America, do hereby beg, in the eyes evanescent deity-like William Shatner, that the Federal Government to allow the South to secede from the Union. Except for the whole slavery thing, we firmly believe that the decision to keep the Union intact was a bad idea. In the words of the "Declaration of Southern Independence" believe that the South constitutes a "separate and distinct people, with [a] heritage and culture worthy of" expulsion.





Those who would separate decry "the corrupt and sterile national culture that pervades this land." Fine. F!@#$ you too. Get out.





They can have their racist flags, their Klan meetings, their Hee-Haw and their David Dukes of Hazard. We encourage them to put the 10 commandments wherever they like, and, should the Southern Secessionists need a few recommendations of where they can put them, the enlightened people of the North have a few ideas.





We invite the South to not let the door hit them on the way out and be advised that we are changing the locks. We also encourage the South to take Texas with them.





In exchange for willfully leaving, we offer Puerto Rico visitation rights to the South.





We therefore demand that, in the interests of the American people, the United States allow the self-identifying Southern States to cut themselves off from the rest of the nation so that they can do no more damage to this great nation.